


BODY | phan

by luckylester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Bottom Dan Howell, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell Is A Little Shit, Dan Howell Is A Tease, Dan Howell Is Not A YouTuber, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Are Married, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Get a Dog, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Dan and Phil Go Outside, DanAndPhilCRAFTS, DanAndPhilGAMES, Dom Phil Lester, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Dan Howell, Gay Phil Lester, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt Phil Lester, Light Smut, M/M, Phil Lester Is A Cereal Thief, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart, Phil Lester Is Not A YouTuber, Phil Lester Needs a Hug, Phil is not on fire, Phil is not on fire 10 (Phandom), Sad Dan Howell, Sick Dan Howell, Sub Dan Howell, read the trigger warnings ):<
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:01:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27937667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckylester/pseuds/luckylester
Summary: BODY!❛ tired of this body ❜❛ fall apart without me ❜✧ or, in which dan is dying and phil can't live without himbody | © abby 2020
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. cumbersome and heavy

**Author's Note:**

> PLAYLIST.
> 
> track oo. body ; mother mother  
> track o1. i'll die anyway ; girl in red  
> track o2. line without a hook ; ricky montgomery  
> track o3. sign of the times ; harry styles  
> track o4. coffee ; beabadoobee  
> track o5. coffee breath ; sofia mills  
> track o6. mr loverman ; ricky montgomery  
> track o7. i love you more ; son of cloud  
> track o8. i can't handle change ; roar  
> track o9. the cut that always bleeds ; conan gray  
> track 1o. ghosting ; mother mother
> 
> LINK: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7i4f5Iso9h9UirDvrFzCVO?si=0B66MlMJQHCcmBhY2ftvxw

**TW: HOSPITALS, CANCER, SICKNESS, LANGUAGE**

the hospital is a busy, horrible place. the air reeks of sanitizer and the halls are _always_ crowded. someone is _always_ crying in the hallway over the death of a loved one, and phil is _always_ anxious when he's there.

visiting hours are from three pm to seven pm on weekdays, and on weekends, from eight am to eight pm.

phil arrives right at three and takes the elevator. he happens to get on at the same time as someone being pulled in a stretcher. nurses have their hands plastered all over her body and someone is clogging her carotid with their finger.

phil counts in his head and stares forward at the cracks between the doors. he gets to fifty six by the time the elevator bell dings.

a few of the nurses wave at him. he has been here every single day, right on time, since february. it's now may.

dan has all kinds of tubes hooked up to him today. each one is monitoring a different aspect of his bodily functions, and today he has a bag. he had surgery last night.

"how'd it go, baby?" phil asks as he slides down on dan on his bed. he grabs onto dan's hand as tightly as he possibly can without feeling as if he's going to break it.

dan is clearly out of it. his pupils are slightly enlarged and he stares directly forward instead of making eye contact. "great, i think," he mumbles half-heartedly. it's his third surgery this month trying to remove tumors that have grown all throughout his insides.

phil places a kiss gently on dan's lips. he places his thumb softly on his cheek.

"stop treating me like i'm fucking glass," dan suddenly snaps and it causes phil to recoil, "you're not going to break me."

the older male's jaw hangs wide open. he blinks a couple of times. dan grumbles something under his breath. "what?" phil responds.

"i mean for fucks sake, when was the last time we had sex?" dan roars. phil stands up quickly and shuts the door.

phil doesn't even have to think. "february," he nearly whispers in response.

"fucking february!" dan cries, waving his hands in the air. his monitor shows that his heartbeat has increased. "fuck this, i want to get out of here."

phil shakes his head furiously. "you have to stay, dan."

"but i don't _want_ to. i _want_ to _live,"_ dan groans and leans his head against phil's shoulder. there is longing in his eyes.

the older male's lips draw into a line. "no, dan. your treatments," phil protests. he runs his fingers through dan's matted hair.

"fuck my treatments!" the brunette yells, "i want to drink, get high, and have sex with my husband."

phil smiles at the thought, yet he quickly dismisses it. dan _needs_ to get better. phil can't _live_ without him. his eyes burn. "dan, no," he insists.

"fine, whatever."


	2. just stop your crying

"you're late," dan remarks as phil enters his room, room 206, at 3:15, "you've never been late."

the white hospital sheets easily cover up dan's thinning body. occasionally, they'll lock the door and mess around for about ten minutes, and phil ignores how his ribs jut out from beneath dan's skin.

"got caught up at work," phil's voice trembles as he lies. he hopes that dan can't see the puffiness that surrounds his eyes.

dan purses his lips. if he noticed, he didn't say anything. "alright, whatever you say," he draws out his words.

phil plops down next to him. they stare at each other longingly from across the short fabric of dan's pillow. dan kisses phil roughly, but he has to break away due to a coughing fit.

the older male sits up and wipes his lips. dan reaches up to stoke phil's face with his shaking hands. the touch feels nice and phil knows he'll remember it as he falls asleep tonight.

as he falls asleep, in their king-size bed, all alone. dan's side of the bed is always _so_ cold.

dan slaps phil's cheek gently. it shakes him out of his daze. "what's going on in that tiny brain of yours?" dan teases through an open-mouthed smile.

phil chuckles. "nothing, just thinking about you."

dan rolls over to the other side of his bed. "ugh, _boring,"_ dan bites the inside of his cheek to hold in a giggle, but it escapes anyway.

the sound reminds phil of the stars twinkling in the night sky.

phil stirs. they sit in silence. the news on dan's shitty hospital television echoes in the background, yet it's drowned out among phil's thoughts.

"oh, stop being sad, i'm not dying," dan struggles to get out the words through coughs. the tumors have spread to his lungs. the doctors told him last night.

phil resists saying the word _yet._ it's coming, he can feel it, and he's sure of it. but he doesn't tell that to dan. "no, you're not dying. i need you here with me," he forces a smile on his lips as he speaks.

"i love you," dan mumbles, raising phil's hand to his mouth and licking it.

phil wipes his slobber away on his pants. "you're disgusting, howell," he jokes, but drops the tone quickly, "but i love you too."

"damn right you do," dan says confidently. phil bends down to peck him.


	3. the alcohol's made its tour

phil reeks of alcohol. it lingers on his breath and clings to his clothes. the very smell makes dan queasy at the stomach. he started chemo a few days ago, and it's knocking him out. he's fucking exhausted and he can't help but throw up at any food thrown into his stomach. he has a _fucking feeding tube._

at this point, dan _wants_ to die. nothing is more humiliating than having a bag to hold your food _and_ a bag to hold your shit. but phil is still as chirpy as ever when he walks in, it's so annoying, but it is also so comforting to dan.

he doesn't mention the smell as phil leans down to kiss him. he has to hold back a gag as the chemicals on phil's lips taste strong enough to cure his cancer.

"how are you today, baby?" phil asks politely. he appears sober. _it must be a hangover, then._

dan can hardly muster up a smile. he feels so incredibly _weak._ yet his mind is fucking racing, at a much faster pace than his body wants to move. "oh, you know, not dead yet. so a pretty good day," he jokes half-heartedly, though a cough forms immediately after speaking.

"i hope those jokes continue to _stay_ jokes," phil responds, clearly worried by the slight quiver in his voice.

dan lets out a heavy sigh. he holds phil's hand and plays with the ring around his finger. dan's fingers have gotten too boney to wear his, so it hangs on a necklace around his neck. "i want to go home," dan tries again.

he's fucking _dying_ and he's fucking _terrified_ but he doesn't want to do it alone. he can't keep sitting in this _fucking hospital bed_ until his death. he just won't do it.

"lion, please," dan starts, inhaling as sharply as he can, but it sounds more like a wheeze, "i can't die in this hospital. my cancer's terminal, you know that. i want to die with you, in _our_ house, in _our_ bed, in _your_ arms."

phil remains quiet for a few seconds. "but you might _not,_ " he whispers. his eyes feel like they're on fire. he swallows hard to rid the lump that has risen in his throat. "maybe they can help..." he trails off.

"i don't have any fight left in me, i'm going to fucking _die._ and i'm just as terrified as you are, trust me," dan pleads, holding his palms open in front of phil, " _please."_

phil gnaws on his lower lip. "i'll see what i can do," he mumbles.


	4. drive me crazy

the surgeon politely asks phil to step outside the second he arrives at dan's room. his stomach drops and he feels like he's going to _puke_.

"he's progressed to a stage four..." the surgeon trails off. her eyes don't meet phil's and her body is guarded by her arms.

he falls to the floor. he cups his face in his hands and just _sobs._ the surgeon crouches down next to him. her hand rests on his back.

"i'm so sorry," she says in a hushed tone.

phil snaps, "you're _sorry_?" he stands up quickly and wipes his cheeks quickly. "my husband is _dying._ he can't do anything he loves. for fuck's sake, he had to stop his entire career _. our_ entire career."

she rises with him, finally meeting his eyes. "we're doing everything we can, but we can't save him. it's terminal," she reminds him for possibly the fifth time this week.

they're _always_ doing "everything they can."

her shoes squeak across the floor as she walks away. god, phil doesn't want to be fucking _alone._ not again.

"did you talk to her about leaving?" dan chirps when phil finally comes back into his room. the older male shakes his head.

phil easily falls into dan's arms. he rests his head on his shoulder and breathes in his scent. they sit in silence, but it feels so _loud_.

dan clears his throat. "i checked my dms on instagram today," he attempts to start up a conversation, though phil is barely paying attention. he's staring at the cracks in the ceiling. "they're all about the hiatus, they miss us."

"it's always about the hiatus," phil sighs. his videos don't gain as much traction as they used to, especially since dan got sick. the week he got his diagnosis, his coming out video was released.

dan purses his lips. "guess my book isn't enough for them," he sighs. it's nearly impossible for him to make videos, photoshop is _much_ easier.

phil kisses his cheek softly. "it's enough for me, bear," he utters, making eye-contact with the older male.

"thanks, that means a lot," the younger boy says sarcastically and rolls his eyes.

phil sits up. his face is red. "i miss when _i_ was _enough_ for _you_ ," he spits. he starts to stand up.

dan grabs onto phil's wrist and pulls him down. "you will _always_ be enough for me. i love you, lion."

phil inhales sharply. "you too."


	5. i'm heading straight for the floor

the hospital bills are quickly piling up. at this rate, phil will be paying them off until he dies. their insurance covers basically none of it now, not since he started chemo. he looks over the newest bill, his arms propped up against their kitchen counter. a swear escapes his lips. £367,127. a glance at the clock tells him he needs to head to the hospital.

he didn't sleep at all last night.

"hey mum," he sighs as he answers his phone while driving.

her voice is bubbly, positive, "hi phil! how is everything?"

he wants to puke at the mere joy in her voice. god, when was the last time _he_ was _happy?_ "well, dan's still dying, so not great," he grumbles back sarcastically, "i'm going to be paying off debt until _i_ die." 

"okay love, i know. let me know if there is anything i can do to help," she responds in a sickly-sweet tone.

phil is way past faking emotions for other people. "just leave me alone, mum," he growls before quickly hanging up.

his gas tank is almost empty. he's been skipping work just to be around dan, and while his boss is more than empathetic about the situation, he's hardly making enough to stay afloat. he swipes his credit card, knowing damn well he won't be able to pay off the next bill.

dan is still dozing off when phil enters his room. he wants to curl up next to him, but he smells like cologne. dan doesn't _wear_ cologne.

phil places a kiss gently on his forehead. he pulls a chair up to dan's bed and just _watches_ him. he's so perfect, even if his skin is a sickly yellow and his eyes are losing their spark.

"you smell weird," dan points out the second his eyes sleepily open. his voice cracks as he speaks. "get me a basin, would you?"

phil holds it out for dan to empty out the bile and chicken broth in his stomach. the younger male wipes his mouth and falls onto his pillow.

"what do i smell like?" the older male asks. he fiddles with the ring around his finger.

dan wrinkles his nose. "i don't know, it just doesn't smell like _you,_ " he pauses to exhale slowly, "i get it, you know?"

phil's heart drops. "get what?"

"your husband's dying, fucking someone else has to give you _some_ kind of release," he spits out and crosses his arms over his chest. he's fucking _bitter._ phil shakes his head violently. he laces dan's fingers with his but doesn't say anything. "you just confirmed it." he rips his hand away.

"baby i-" he stops himself. he doesn't feel like fighting. his eyes sting violently. it was _one time._

dan chews away on his bottom lip. he's trembling. "get out," he finally musters up, "get the _fuck_ out."


	6. i can't handle change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTIONS OF DEATH, CANCER

"get up," phil orders as he storms into dan's room, "get your _shit_ together."

dan perks up at the sound of his husband's voice. phil hasn't visited him in over a week. a wide smile makes it's way onto his face. "i'm not mad, you know," he isn't lying. he _wants_ to be mad, but he understands why phil cheated.

"i didn't cheat on you," phil mumbles firmly. he's throwing some of dan's fuzzy socks into a duffle bag. he takes a pile of romcoms off of dan's bedside table.

dan stirs. he rubs his face in his hands. "sure, whatever. then what did i _smell_ on you? why have you been _gone_ for a week?" he spits. now he's mad.

phil isn't looking at him, he's still tidying the room. "baby, you're _dying._ i'm not going to cheat on you until after you're _dead_ ," he so badly wishes he was telling the truth, "i wanted to give you some space. i didn't want to fight."

the brunette's expression turns sour. "what if i _died_ while you were off having a pity party?" he growls. he's crawling out of bed now, dragging around his monitor as he walks towards phil.

"they have me on speed dial," the older male defends, "besides, you're not _dead._ "

dan rolls his eyes. he grabs on tightly to phil's hand for balance. "i wish i was," he's half-joking. phil shoots him a look that could _kill._

"i managed to get you out of the hospital, it's no good for you to _rot_ in here," phil plays with dan's curls as he leans against the shorter male. he shoves a little backpack into dan's arms.

the younger male begins to slowly pull the wires off of him. he yanks his IV out of his arm, which frankly, hurts like a _bitch._

phil is staring at him as he removes his clothes. his eyes trail up and down his body and it makes dan squirm. "you're so pretty," phil whispers. dan's face grows warm. "you ready?"

dan removes the patches that belong to the heart monitor. the flat line screams across the hospital, and a code blue is called.

"fuck fuck fuck, we have to go _now,_ " phil pulls on dan's wrist and drags him out the door. they're running down the halls of the hospital, trying to find an exit.

dan is wheezing. "i thought you said it was okay for us to leave?" he asks, struggling to catch up with phil.

"yeah about that," phil reaches up to rub the back of his neck. the burst through the doors leading to the receptionist desk and slow down, "i lied. i just wanted to have you _home_ , with _me_. you're going to _die_ anyway."

"stop saying that," dan teases, then flashes phil a warm grin.


End file.
